Dot's right, blutsukker!
by Imladviel
Summary: Jägermonsters, vampires, Heterodyne coffee and casual affections await our heroine, Sergeant Perks, in lovely Mechanicsburg! But will she and Mal ever find the way home... and do they really wish to return?
1. Forgetmelots

This is a crossover fanfic, between the Girl Genius webcomic and Monstrous Regiment.  
**  
****Characters:** Polly, Maladict, Maxim, Agatha, Dimo, Oggi, Jenka, Zeuxippe, Lucrezia, Klaus, Zeetha, Higgs, Gil, Tarvek, possibly other Girl Genius characters too, also plenty of OCs.**  
****Pairings:** Polly/Maladict,Polly/Maxim, Maladict/OC, Maxim/Zeuxippe, Klaus/Lucrezia, Agatha/Jenka, Zeetha/Higgs, Zeetha/Agatha, Gil/Agatha/Tarvek. **  
****Rating:** PG-13, for the time being.****

This fanfic, or at least some of its chapters, have been commissioned from me by my friend Corporal Maladict, and the Maladict in this one is his Maladict, not my usual Maladict. Some OCs belonging to other people will also appear, all used with permission. I've attempted to write characters from both worlds as true to their nature as possible, but once my quirky pairings begin to emerge, they may act in ways disturbing to true fans.****

Dedicated to my friends in the Shades of Ankh-Morpork Guild on Gaia Online.

_**Dot's Right, Blutsukker!**_

_The 'Official' Girl Genius / Discworld Crossover_

Chapter One: Forget-Me-Lots

Two soldiers of the Mechanicsburg City Guard stood watch outside the gates of Castle Heterodyne. They were, to all appearances, two young human males. Their voices sounded slightly too young, and their cheeks were perhaps a tad too clean-shaven, but the overall impression was of country boys who had lied their age while enlisting. Their uniforms were spotless, but the blond one had a bit of shaving soap behind his ear, and the black-haired one with the penetrating eyes had a packet of cigarettes tugged into the band of his shako.

Maxim's keen Jägerkin ears could hear them talking to each other. The blond one spoke first. Maxim noted he had bright blue eyes and the facial features of a honest man – and that meant he would kill enemies instantly, instead of gloating and keeping them captive in torture chambers, like Lucrezia Mongfish and her ilk.

"Maladict, remind me once again why we are guarding the most dangerous building that ever existed, on a round planet with no turtles and only the mobile, house-sized kind of elephants?" The tone of voice reminded Maxim of a bored Jäger on guard duty, and he decided to listen in. He stopped to sit on a park bench, in full view of the two soldiers, and took out a sandwich from his bag. It was one of Old Man Death's sandwiches, a gift from Zeuxippe.

The one called Maladict replied, and Maxim realized he was looking at a vampire. There was the power in the voice, the weight of years, perhaps as many years as Maxim had, but Jägers just grew more fierce and cunning with years, and got better teeth, whereas vampires grew weary with the world and started playing games with humans.

"We are guarding this building because we are paid a handsome wage by Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, and we have sworn an oath to serve him, because he is our best bet in getting back to the Discworld."

A young Mechanicsburg woman sat beside Maxim on the bench. Maxim was disguised with a hooded black cloak, and clothes that covered him completely. The woman tried to peer into the shadows of the cloak, and saw some glint of fang or shine of purple skin. She gasped. "You're a jägermonster, sir!"

Maxim was wearing his hat on top of the black hood, and tipped it towards the woman. "Indeed hy am, dollink. Dun't tell hennyboddy!" He grinned at her, and bit into his sandwich with a lot of very sharp jäger teeth.

The woman watched, spellbound. "I have always thought you jägermonsters were fascinating. My name is Bella. What is your name?" She asked.

"Kan't tell hyu, dollink! Eeets a sekrit. Verra hoosh-hoosh!" Maxim finished the sandwich. It left an aftertaste of fish and horseradish in his mouth. He looked towards the gates again. The vampire soldier was smoking a cigarette, and the blond human one was standing very still in full attention, looking straight ahead. He was also blushing. Maxim realized the vampire must have said something embarrassing to him while Maxim was busy talking to the woman. "Nov, kan hyu tell me aboot dose tvo soldier boyz, my leedle nokedli?" Maxim asked the woman in a casual tone.

The woman looked towards the gates. "Sergeant Oliver Perks and Corporal Maladict? Why are you interested in them for? They just turned up one day, signed up, and got promoted after a few months." Suddenly her eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to sneak into the castle? It can't be done, you know – there are defences much better than those two protecting it!"

Maxim grinned. "Hy vill find a vay. Tank hyu for hyu informatchsion!" Maxim put the sandwich wrapper in the trash can beside the bench, and walked towards the guards. The woman stood up, then sat down again. She decided she wanted to see this fight, but not up close.

"Hello, boyz! Hy am Maxim, und hy am here to help de Heterodyne!" He announced brightly. He lifted his hat as if in greeting, let the hood fall to his shoulders, and allowed them to see his jäger features as his hat reclaimed its rightful place on his head. It was the hat of Old Man Death, fairly won, and Maxim was proud of it.

The blond soldier stared at Maxim. "What are you?" He asked, amazed.

The vampire stepped closer to his companion, and whispered. Maxim's keen ears caught the words 'jägerkin' and 'Heterodyne Heir'.

"Dot's right, blutsukker! Hy serve de Heterodyne Heir, und hy am jägerkin, und proud uf it!"

As he spoke, Maxim took a moment to sniff the air. And what he smelled surprised him. The blond soldier was a female. Of the vampire, he couldn't be certain, he smelled only of coffee and tobacco and the ash of human corpses.

The blond, no, _blonde_ soldier spoke again. "I am sorry, mister, but we have orders not to let anyone enter the castle today. These orders come from Baron Wulfenbach. I understand you jägers serve him?"

Maxim leaned closer towards her. She smelled good... and also foreign, like someone from a very long way away. Maxim had never smelled flowers and trees like the ones he smelled in her hair. She smelled like someone who had bathed in pure mountain water, eaten clean country food, and been out in the fresh air a lot, all this somewhere where no smogs and smokes polluted the lands and skies. Of course, Mechanicsburg had left some taint in her, but that taint was recent. "Hy dunt. Vhere are hyu vrom, sveethot?" Maxim asked, his voice almost purring in her ear.

And the next thing Maxim knew, there was a blade at his throat. The blade was the bayonett of a rifle, and the vampire was holding the rifle. "Nobody talks to my friend like that! Back off, jäger! You don't know who you're dealing with." He announced.

The blonde girl – Sergeant Perks? Was that really her name? - pushed the rifle away with a firm hand, as if she did such things daily. Maxim realized she probably did. Guarding Castle Heterodyne certainly didn't sound like an easy job, especially not with a trigger-happy vampire as her Corporal.

"Calm down, Maladict. Mister Maxim asked a perfectly harmless question. We are from Borogravia, which is a small country in the mountains. It is mainly famous for chocolate. We are here because of long and complicated circumstances, which I would love to reveal to Mister Maxim, as soon as my watch duty ends at noon. At that time, I will be going for a drink in the pub across the street, and any vampires and jägermonsters interested in drinking with me are welcome to join me there. In the meantime, I would like to thank Mister Maxim for not invading Castle Heterodyne on my watch, because that would be very impolite, and would probably result in my death. I would like to remind you, Mister Maxim, that I am only doing my job here, just like everyone else."

Maxim stared at her while she spoke. Nobody had ever called him Mister before, and that impressed him even more than her carefully controlled diplomatic vocabulary. "Ve haff a date, dollink!" He told her, and grinned. There would be other ways to enter the Castle. And other times to attempt it. Agatha hadn't said they had to come right away, had she? Dimo would complain, Dimo always did. But Oggi would understand. A woman like that... well, things were going to be interesting soon, and it was useful to make new allies, wasn't it? If he could convince her that Agatha was the Heterodyne Heir, this woman would become someone important, Maxim was sure of it. He tipped his hat, replaced the hood, and walked away, his mind still filled with the scent of the flowers called Forget-me-lots.


	2. reasoning with jägers

**Characters:** Polly, Maladict, Maxim, Agatha, Dimo, Oggi, Jenka, Zeuxippe, Lucrezia, Klaus, Zeetha, Higgs, Gil, Tarvek, possibly other Girl Genius characters too, also plenty of OCs.  
**Pairings:** in this chapter: implied Polly/Mal, Polly/Maxim, and Polly/Gil  
**Rating:** PG-13, for the time being.

**Dot's Right, Blutsukker!**

**The 'Official' Girl Genius / Discworld Crossover**  


Chapter Two: Reasoning with jägers 

Maxim was back at the Castle ten minutes before noon. He had reported the latest developments to Dimo and Oggi, with the conclusion that Dimo had gone off on his own, frustrated with Maxim's lack of concrete results, and Oggi had stationed himself at the pub opposite the gates, deciding that he needed to see this soldier girl for himself.

The House Heterodyne has declared war on House Wulfenbach. The Jägers had deserted the Baron – their oaths to the House Heterodyne were binding, much more binding that their oaths to Klaus Wulfenbach. Mechanicsburg, under Vanamonde von Mekkahn's leadership, had declared independence from the Wulfenbach empire. Unfortunately for Vanamonde, the Mechanicsburg City Guard was on Baron Wulfenbach's payroll. Many soldiers, being of Mechanicsburg descent, had deserted the City Guard and joined Vanamonde's Mechanicsburg Militia. There was very little fighting in the streets – instead, the city had been divided to zones controlled by the City Guard, and zones controlled by the Militia. Barricades isolated the zones, yet both sides were hesitant to attempt a full takeover. Everyone knew that if the Jägers chose to attack the City Guard in full force, a war would begin such as Mechanicsburg had never seen, and many civilian lives were lost.

Baron Klaus Wulfenbach did not need to control the entire Mechanicsburg. It was enough for him at the current time to control all the airship landing areas and the zone surrounding Castle Heterodyne. As long as help could not get to Agatha Heterodyne in the castle, time was on his side, while he gathered together an army from all corners of Europe, an army such as had never been seen before. No one knew where Castle Wulfenbach was located now, and rumors said that the jägermonsters who had once staffed it as guards had been replaced by vampire soldiers and constructs.

When Maxim arrived to the street before the Castle, he could heard the two guards talking.

"...I'm saying we ought to switch sides, Mal. You can call it deserting. Remember Kneck Keep? The ones we share an uniform with can be as bad as the ones we're supposed to be fighting. All I'm saying is that serving the Baron will get us killed. And while you may think that is just a small hindrance, for me Death is final. We need to get back to Borogravia, Mal! That's our homeland. Not this horrible town."

Maxim stepped under the awning of a shop, to avoid being detected, and kept listening to the soldiers. The blonde Sergeant was obviously the brains of the outfit. But the vampire Maladict wasn't left speechless.

"And I'm telling you, Ozzer, that you're letting your emotions get the better of you again. You've met the enemy, and he's nice? Don't look at me like that. You've been checking your pocket watch every three minutes. Don't let the jäger fool you. They're killing machines, and Lady Heterodyne is the Other. She won't help us get back home. She will enslave us. Baron Wulfenbach is our only hope. Besides – you liked it at Castle Wulfenbach, didn't you? I seem to recall a certain sword duel with Master Gilgamesh..."

A young woman dressed in the apron of a shop clerk over a beautiful, if rather worn, blue dress had approached Maxim. Maxim was aware of her presence, but chose not to react to it.

"Excuse me, sir, but if you're not buying anything, I must ask you to move on. You're frightening our customers away, dressed all spooky like that. There are troublesome times, sir."

Maxim resisted the urge to flash her a jäger grin. He touched his hand to the brim of his hat.

"Hy am buyink somethink. Vat do hyu sell, sveethot?" He asked, turning to look at the shop window.

The woman took a step back, but didn't cry in alarm. The common people of Mechanicsburg mostly sided with the Heterodynes, and this woman, daughter of a long line of minions, was glad to know the Jägers were on Lady Agatha's payroll now.

"We sell exotic foreign imports of all kinds, sir. Coffee, tea, cane sugar, coconuts, bananas, cotton, silk, laudanum, tobacco – if it isn't grown in Europe, then we have it." She smiled at him. "To you, sir, I would recommend the Caribbean Rum. Very strong, yet fine and aromatic."

Maxim kept his eyes on the two soldiers. "Bring me vun bottel of dat, dollink." Maxim instructed her, hoping she would go inside so he could hear what the soldiers said again. The girl curtsied. "As you wish, sir. My name is Nuala, by the way." The voice was hopeful, but Maxim didn't answer, his attention focused on the soldiers again.

Ozzer was yelling at Mal now. "I'm telling you, there was nothing between me and Gil... I mean, Master Gilgamesh! Nothing! He beat me in a duel. So what? He is Gilgamesh Wulfenbach! He must defeat hundreds of people in sword duels all the time! Why would he care about one soldier?"

Mal was lighting a cigarette. "I'm not saying Gilgamesh Wulfenbach cares about you. I'm saying you care about Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, which is a different can of bolts entirely. I'm saying Agatha Heterodyne is your rival. In short, I'm saying you're an abomination through and through, Ozzer Perks, and if you'd told him your real name back when you still had his friendship, we wouldn't be facing war and jägermonsters now."

The shop clerk returned with the bottle of rum, carefully wrapped in a paper bag. She quoted a price, and Maxim paid it without complaint. He looked at his pocket watch, and saw it was noon. "Tank hyu, sveethot. Hy vill kome again." He grinned at Nuala, and walked towards the Castle gates.

"Hy am bak, my leedle nokedli!" He announced cheerfully, and offered his arm to Ozzer. The Sergeant stared at it.

"Mister Maxim, if you have not understood it already, I must tell you now that my name is Oliver Perks to anyone that asks, and I would prefer not to be addressed as 'leedle nokedli' or words to that effect. Friends may call me Ozzer. I do not link arms with males, unless I am extremely drunk. I note you have brought some alcohol with you. I hope your intention is not to get me drunk – I do know I invited you to a drink, but I meant one pint of beer in the pub, not a bottle of rum or vodka or whatever else that the clever girl in blue sold you."

Maxim frowned. "Ozzer? Hokay. Ve go for de drink nov?" He suggested, gesturing towards the pub. He did not have much experience of girls dressing as boys. Already he regretted that he had told Oggi everything.

Maladict spoke. "The men who are supposed to relieve us from watch duty are late. We must wait for them, Sergeant."

Ozzer nodded. "Mal is right."

For a moment, none of them said anything. Two soldiers of the City Guard arrived. Maxim stood back and was silent – it was better not to reveal his identity to those two. He'd already gotten an earful from Dimo for announcing his intentions to Mal and Ozzer. The guards exchanged news in whispers and code, and Mal and Ozzer walked towards the pub, while the other two took the guard position at the gates.

Maxim held the door of the pub open for Ozzer, earning him a glare from Maladict. Inside the pub, Oggi was well into his third drink, and called out cheerfully:

"Maxim, hyu old horschebiter! Hyu deed not say sche vas blonde!"

In what seemed like three steps, Ozzer had marched up to Oggi. "Did you just call me a girl? Think carefully before you answer, jäger! I am Oliver Perks, Mechanicsburg City Guard, and I have killed men for less. My friend has gone to get reinforcements." Indeed, Maladict was gone, as if he had evaporated. "I suggest you shut up now, and consult with your friend here, and maybe, just maybe, I will listen to whatever you two have to say. You should know that my men have captured the jäger known as Dimo. Apparently, he was trying to sneak into Castle Heterodyne. I know you two could kill me, however, I also know you will not try. We both have much to lose, but we both have much to gain – if you behave sensibly,_ ladies._ " It was a gamble, of course, but sometimes one had to play the cards one was dealt, and sometimes one had to cheat.

Other patrons were quickly leaving the pub, thronging at the doors. Only one outsider remained. The young singer called Kayna sat at one of the back tables, and wrote down everything she heard in a leather-backed notebook. This sounded like a song in the making, a heroic saga, and she could become famous for being the one to sing it.


End file.
